Cinematic Cocktails: The Diddlebock

“You arouse the artist in me,” Jake the bartender (Edgar Kennedy) proclaims upon hearing that customer, Harold Diddlebock (Harold Lloyd) has “never partaken” of alcoholic refreshment in The Sin of Harold Diddlebock (1947). What follows is indeed artistry, as Jake invents a new cocktail on the spot, asking personal questions of the intended recipient to insure that the customer will find the flavor perfectly pleasing. Here’s a taste of that conversation:

JAKE: Now, tell me Mr. Diddlebeck, uh bock; where were you born?
DIDDLEBOCK: Uh, what? Nebraska.
JAKE: Corn! And in what year, please?
DIDDLEBOCK: Nineteen Hundred and One.
JAKE: Fine, fine! They distilled some very palatable stuff in Nineteen Hundred and One. Now let me see, let me see. Ha. (He reaches under the counter and pulls out a dusty jug) I wouldn’t do this for everybody.

After adding the “corn,” Jake throws in several other ingredients, muttering about “Nineteen Hundred and One” and all that it means. He then stops to ask…

JAKE: Now just a couple of technical questions. Would you like it frappé or flambé?
DIDDLEBOCK: How?
JAKE: Do you like ice skating or Turkish baths?
DIDDLEBOCK: I used to skate a little.
JAKE: Frappé! (Jake packs some crushed ice around a small glass) Frappé. Now, would you like it sweet or sharp?
DIDDLEBOCK: I don’t really…
JAKE: How do you take your coffee?
DIDDLEBOCK: I, uh, take milk.
JAKE: You’ve answered my question. (He adds another ingredient) You prefer showers or sits baths?
DIDDLEBOCK: Well, we have a shower over the tub, but there’s always the danger of stepping on the soap.
JAKE: Vodka.
DIDDLEBOCK: What?
JAKE: With vodka you don’t care what you step on.

After some protests from the customer, Jake promises just one final question…

JAKE: Do you prefer the taste of rosemary or wormwood?
DIDDLEBOCK: Who or who?
JAKE: Do you like Benedictine or absinthe?
DIDDLEBOCK: What?
JAKE: What kind of toothpaste do ya use?
DIDDLEBOCK: Sozodont.
JAKE: I gotcha.
After adding the final ingredient, Jake presents the drink in the small glass inside a tube of crushed ice. “Gentlemen, ‘The Diddlebock’,” he pronounces proudly.

The drink proves to be deceptively mild. As Jake opines, “It has always seemed to me that the cocktail should approach us on tiptoe, like a young girl whose first appeal is innocence.”

That sounds good to me. Unfortunately I’ll have to settle for the sound of it, because reproducing “The Diddlebock” at home is simply impossible. Like many artists, Jake is secretive regarding his methods, and he does not share all of the cocktail’s ingredients with the audience.

Read more...

Cinematic Cocktails: The Buttermaker Boilermaker

During the opening credits of The Bad News Bears (1976), Little League Coach Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) prepares one of the cheapest cocktails in motion picture history--the Buttermaker Boilermaker. Below are instructions for the preparation of the cut-rate cocktail as seen in the film:

1. Open a can of Budweiser.
2. Dump out about an eight of the can.
3. Top off the can with Jim Beam.
4. Bend your elbow and knock it back.

The Bad News Bears (DVD)

Read more...

Cinematic Cocktails: Panther Pilsner Beer

In Beer Barrel Polecats (1946) we receive instruction on the art of home brewing from brewmeisters Moe, Larry, and Curly. Following (more or less) the recipe set forth in the manual “How to Make Panther Pilsner Beer by J. Panther Pilsner,” the Stooges share much of the recipe with the audience:

MOE (reading): In order to make ten gallons of beer, pour one can of hopes…
LARRY: Hops.
MOE: Hops… and a can of malt into a large crook…
LARRY: Crock.
MOE: Crock! Then fill crock with hot water.
CURLY: Hot water! Hotsy totsy!

Moe opens the malt and Larry opens the hops. Unfortunately, they put Curly in charge of the hot water, which results in Moe receiving a burned back as he continues reading the recipe: “Mix ingredients. Refer to page 27--Yow-wow-wowwww!”

After the boys mix the ingredients, Moe continues: “Put in three cakes of yeast.” He orders Larry to add the yeast, but Larry is called away to the phone. Consequently, Moe adds the yeast himself. When Moe is also drawn away to the phone, Larry returns to the brew and adds the three cakes of yeast as previously instructed. Curly also adds the yeast when Larry leaves the kitchen to grab the beer bottles. However, Curly doesn’t bother to first remove the paper wrapper from the cakes, and he throws the shopping bag into the crock for good measure. One assumes that there were additional steps to the recipe, but we’ll never know, because the Stooges were too distracted contending with the overflowing, yeasty mixture to continue reading the instructions.

One final note--After bottling the beer, be sure to keep the bottles far away from heat or an open flame, because Panther Pilsner Beer is highly explosive.

3 Stooges Beer Adult T-Shirt

Read more...

Cinematic Cocktails: Johnny Diamond’s Sober-Up Fast Sauce

Warning!!! Don’t try this at home! The following recipe is revolting; likely inedible; could cause diarrhea, vomiting, or death; and would very likely curb your cocktail consumption. Stay away from it at all costs.

El Dorado (1966) features one of the most disgusting concoctions ever depicted on film--Johnny Diamond’s Sober-Up Fast Sauce. It isn’t really a cocktail. In fact, it is explained that “It does something to a man’s stomach, so it naturally won’t hold any liquor.” However, because this mixture is one of the most memorable cinematic concoctions, it feels only right to include it here.

In the picture, Sheriff J.P. Harrah (Robert Mitchum) is three sheets to the wind, and the bad guys are on their way. Due to the state of affairs, the sheriff’s friend, Cole Thornton (John Wayne), asks his companions, Bull (Arthur Hunnicutt) and Mississippi (James Caan), “Either one of you know a fast way to sober a man up?” Mississippi offers the following solution:

MISSISSIPPI: Johnny Diamond had a recipe. Let’s see. Cayenne pepper, mustard--the hot kind, ipecac, asafetida, and oil of cloves… or was it? No, it was croton oil.
BULL: Croton oil?! I’ll be a suck-egg mule. You know what that mixture’ll do to a fella?
MISSISSIPPI: Guaranteed kill or cure.

As they are stirring the mixture together, Mississippi reveals the final ingredient--gunpowder. “I hope you don’t blow him up,” Thornton (Wayne) observes.

After administering the black, oily medicine to the unwilling patient, the sheriff (Mitchum) reacts as one would expect. “You dirty, lousy, rotten, sheep-herdin’--What did you do to me?” he bellows. “What’d you give me? I’m all crawlin’ inside.” The sheriff takes a swig of whiskey, but it doesn’t sit right. Mercifully, the messiness that follows takes place off-camera.

El Dorado (Paramount Centennial Collection)

Read more...

Cinematic Cocktails: The Stone Fence

In Smash-up: The Story of a Woman (1947) Susan Hayward takes a brief breather from her swift alcoholic decline in order to expound upon the wonders of a very potent cocktail known as a “Stone Fence.” She even begins to dictate the recipe while mixing up a batch.

Unfortunately, the scene fades out before the mixture is complete, but what we do learn about this power-packed concoction is intriguing enough to add it to our list of cinematic cocktails. Here is the dialog taken directly from the film:

ANGIE: Hey, do you know what a stone fence is?
MIKE: You mean a stone wall.
ANGIE: I mean a stone fence, brother. It’s sort of like an ice cream soda with conviction. Bartender, would you please give me a cocktail shaker with some shaved ice, and some brandy, and some absinthe, and some Cointreau. This is something special.
MIKE: Insidious, isn’t it, Angie?
ANGIE: What, Mike?
MIKE: All this leisure. So much of it makes you realize what work really meant. Isn’t that so?
ANGIE: You mean I could miss singing my lungs out in those gin mills? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. What you need, Mike, is a stone fence. It’s just about the most colossal drink you’ve ever drunk--drank. It-it puts poise in apathetic people, if you know what I mean, and after the second one your spine turns to solid platinum. You take one part brandy, and two parts rye… (Fade out)

Read more...

Cinematic Cocktails: The Alaskan Polar Bear Heater

Many movies have featured hard-kicking cocktails, but The Nutty Professor's “Alaskan Polar Bear Heater” may be the most infamous. Below is the recipe taken verbatim from the film:

“Two shots of vodka, a little rum, some bitters, and a smidgen of vinegar… a shot of vermouth, a shot of gin, a little brandy, lemon peel, orange peel, cherry, some more scotch. Now mix it nice, and pour it into a tall glass.”

Why the recipe calls for “some more scotch” at a point when there is no scotch in the cocktail is a mystery to me. I can only assume that Jerry was ad libbing the recipe on the spot. By the way, I’ve never been brave enough to drink one myself--the vinegar has always been the deal breaker for me. However, a good friend of mine filmed himself mixing one up and downing it (the video can be found HERE). He described the cocktail as tasting like “bitters-soaked ass.” When I commented that a lot would depend upon whose ass was soaked in bitters, he responded, “Ernest Borgnine’s ass.” You have been warned.

Read more...

Cinematic Cocktails: The Vesper

James Bond isn’t just a cocktail sipper. In Casino Royale (2006), he also proves to be something of a mixologist. During the multimillion dollar poker game at the center of the story, 007 takes a break to order a drink, dictating a cocktail recipe of his creation to the casino bartender. He eventually dubs this martini variant “The Vesper,” after his curvaceous female companion. Here’s the recipe verbatim from the film:

“Three measures of Gordon’s,
One of vodka,
Half a measure of Kina Lillet,
Shake over ice,
And then add a thin slice of lemon peel.”

The Vesper made its first appearance in Ian Fleming’s 1953 novel Casino Royale. The recipe was not altered in any way in translation from book to screen, despite the fact that one of the ingredients--Kina Lillet--is no longer produced. Lillet Blanc is the best substitute, but the standby is missing some of the bitterness of the original liquor. Also, keep in mind that when Fleming was writing, Gordon’s gin was 94 proof, while now it is merely 80. You might want to seek out a stronger brand (Broker’s is an excellent, inexpensive, 94 proof gin). Vodka was also stronger in Fleming’s day, generally 100 proof. Luckily, a few producers still offer vodka with a 100 proof kick. Of course, if you want to do it right, don’t forget, “shaken, not stirred.”

Casino Royale (Two-Disc Collector's Edition + BD Live) [Blu-ray]
Casino Royale (2-Disc Widescreen Edition DVD)

Read more...